Thursday, December 8, 2011


I get to update earlier than I thought I would!!!!

First let me tell you all about my dream last night. I had a dream that I was at the funeral home again, but Papa was alive! I asked them why he wasn't buried anymore and why he was alive, and they said "Well, we just weren't sure!" I remember getting SO mad! Then I woke up.

For some reason, this prompted me to take a test. The reason being-I had a conversation with a cousin not long ago and she said that maybe Papa's passing will bring new life....maybe in the form of a baby for me. I am a HUGE believer, but I do believe.

Well, I tested....and here it is!

That is the most beautiful line ever! I am in shock! I was so worried that we missed our window of opportunity because of Papa's passing, but it looks like things were working in our favor! I have an appointment on Tuesday at 2PM. I am a ball of nerves!

Josh is over the moon excited! I haven't told anyone else except a special group of ladies, my best friend, and my sister that lives in Tennessee. I am waiting until Christmas to tell our parents and grandparents! This is going to be the best present ever for them!!!

Of course, since having a miscarriage last time, I am so scared. But I am trying to not think about that and know that right now, in this moment...I am pregnant.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A few more days...

And I will know the outcome of my first Clomid cycle.

I chart with Fertility Friend, and I do not agree with the day it said I ovulated, so I am trying to wait it out and test when I feel is the right time. Whenever that may be!

We don't feel like we have much of a chance, because my fertile week was when my Papa passed.

Oh how I miss that man. He was the strongest, bravest, most amazing man I ever knew. He was the most steady male role model I had in my life. But, even though we are sad that his physical body is gone, we know he is in a better place, pain free, and probably up there squeezing God's knuckles like he used to do to us...or tickling his knee. Oh that man knew he loved to tickle us...even though we hated it(well let's face it, we loved it....even if it left bruises sometimes)

Anywho....maybe I will get to update again with a great update! Fingers crossed!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

It starts with one pill....

So, today was the day. My first round of Clomid. :o

 I prepared Josh for the worst case scenario:
-hot flashes
-mood swings
-basically being a bitch 

I am so excited/nervous about starting Clomid. How can something so tiny that I swallow be so intimidating?! But, I am hoping and praying this is my answer to finally have a take home baby!

Oh, and also-I suck at remember to take pills. I suck at remembering to take a Prenatal Vitamin! 
I have heard of gummy prenatals but never went and bought any...until the other day.
 Oh.My.God. They are amazing! I actually look forward to taking them now! I wish I could take more than the recommended dose a day! Ha. No really, I won't do that...but it is so tempting.

Anywho, so here's to a new plan for this cycle. Fingers crossed that we finally get pregnant and STAY pregnant!


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A New Plan

I had my appointment today with my OBGYN. It was basically a consultation to sit and talk about what we are going to do next. And, we now have a new plan!

He decided to start me on Clomid. I am nervous but excited all at once. I have heard so many success stories from people who used Clomid, but also know of some ladies who have still had no luck with it.

I am hoping it is the key for us to get pregnant. I have felt so defeated the past few months and I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to keep things together.

I have such a tough exterior, but inside I am dying. I feel like I am a failure. I feel that I am a failure to my husband, my family, friends, and everyone. Almost weekly I get asked if I have children yet. It kills me when I tell them no. Especially when they ask why not. Well, of course I just brush it off with some generic response like "Oh, we are still young, it will happen whenever it happens." But I would love to burst out saying "Because my body sucks and doesn't work like everyone elses. I can't just have sex one time and POOF-baby". If only people truly understood that getting pregnant really is not easy for everyone.

Well, that is enough rambling for now. I am about to get some sleep.

Monday, November 7, 2011

I really suck at this....

Really, I suck at this blog stuff. Funny thing is that I LOVE to write and express my feelings through words.

No real updates on me. Still not pregnant. I do have an appointment tomorrow to see what the hell we are doing next. I am a little nervous about it, but that is normal for me.

Anywho, I am going to try(like I have said a million times) to keep this thing up and running instead of letting it float in the interwebs clogging up space!


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Left Behind

Have you ever felt like everyone is moving forward in life and you are just stuck?

That is how I feel!

There are a group of ladies that I talk to on a daily basis that I absolutely love. Almost all of them are either pregnant, or already delivered their little ones. Some are even talking about trying for their second! I feel so left behind. I am super happy for them and so so glad they are not in my shoes anymore, but I can't help but feel left out.

I know my day will come. I know one day I will be in that delivery room welcoming my new baby. But I wish that day would come. October will mark TWO years that we have been trying. That is enough time to have two pregnancies(of course, with little time in between).

Anyways, I try not to let this get to me too much, so that is why I come here to vent and it makes me feel a bit better. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read my blog!


Monday, August 15, 2011

It is official...

I completely suck at keeping a blog updated.

Anyways, let's go over the past few months that you have missed.

I did end up miscarrying at 4w4d. I am okay. I think my mom took it worse than I did. The main thing that kept me in good spirits is that at least now I know that it IS possible for me to get pregnant on my own. Now we just have to get pregnant again, and STAY pregnant.

I did have some baseline blood work done, but that is it. I decided to take a break from testing for a few months to relax and put my mind on other things. It has helped tremendously. I haven't felt as stressed about TTC. So that is where I am at now.

I made it through Summer semester! YAY! Even brought my GPA back up. I changed my major to EMT-I, but then found out that I would have no financial aid if I switched to that major. So, I changed it-AGAIN. Hopefully I will like this new major( Medical Administrative Technology).

Some other important updates in my life right now-My Papa.
He isn't doing good. He ended up going to Shands Hospital in Gainesville, FL for a little over a week. They found out that his aneurysm is now the size of a grapefruit. It is pressing on the nerves that lead to his vocal cords and his esophagus. Therefore, he can hardly talk, and is unable to eat or drink ANYTHING without choking. So, they put a feeding tube in his stomach. He gets all of his nutrition, medicine, etc through it. He is not allowed to put a thing in his mouth or he may choke. And coughing that hard could make his aneurysm rupture. And if it ruptures-he would be gone in minutes.

I found out the other day that he does have a DNR(do not resuscitate) in his living will. So if something happens, no one is allowed to try to bring him back. I honestly feel that is best for him. If he did have CPR performed, it would rupture the aneurysm, and he would die anyway. I hate seeing him in this state. He has the feeding tube, oxygen, and all these other gadgets all around him 24/7. I am glad he is at home though.

My Mema told me they already started getting funeral arrangements together just in case, so that they will be prepared when it happens. I don't like thinking about it. I have already had to go and buy Josh some clothes to wear at the funeral because he is an alternate to be a pall-bearer. Ugh, makes me so upset. Our family is strong though. We know he will be in a MUCH better place and won't be suffering anymore...but I still don't know if I am ready to say goodbye to him.

Alright, before I end up writing a novel, I will wrap it up for now. I promise to try to keep this thing updated!


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I suck at blogs, but here is what has happened lately...

Well, the past few days have been quite a blur.

Last Thursday(5-19-11), I found out that I was FINALLY pregnant!
I was so excited! I told Josh with a onesie that said "My dad is out of this world". I also told my Mom that night with a picture frame that had the sweetest  poem in it!

Things were going great that day, up until Sunday. I woke up Sunday morning cramping. I started spotting heavily.

Monday morning I woke up and was bleeding. My regular OBGYN was out of town, so I went to a different one(Who I am sticking with because he is awesomesauce). He did a trans-vaginal ultrasound, and saw a gestational sac measuring at 4w4d. Right on track with where I thought I was. He sent me for a beta draw right after.

Well, here it is Tuesday evening, and I am still bleeding(doesn't seem to be as bad, but yeah, still there). I got my first beta today, it was a 13....not too great.

Of course, we can't say that this will be a viable pregnancy until tomorrow's second beta and my next u/s on Thursday. This sucks. Beta Hell sucks.

So, I am/was/still/maybe/possibly pregnant. I honestly don't feel like this will turn out good, and I am okay with that. Honestly. I feel better knowing that I AM able to get pregnant, even if this time wasn't the right time. I will update Thursday after my appointment.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

HSG is over!

This past Monday I had the HSG. I was so scared about it...

Well, I got through it-somehow. Let me just say that it was NOT comfortable. First, the speculum was metal, and my OB has always used plastic. THEN, the guy was tightening the speculum and it slipped, sending sharp pains throughout my lady parts. O_o

After all of that discomfort, it was time for the catheter to go in. Once it was in, it felt like one long menstrual cramp. It got so bad at one point that I felt a bit nauseous. But, I survived and it was quickly over.

The imaging specialist said that from what he can see, everything looks clear and open! YAY! He sent my results to my OBGYN, and he will call me after he goes over them more in depth.

I am not sure what the next step will be, but let's hope the next step will be scheduling a pregnancy related appointment!!! Wish us luck this cycle!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Ugh...I totally suck at updating these things. But I will try my best!

J had his SA done, and it came back normal. PHEW! We are both relieved! I think J is more happy than I am!

I started a new cycle, so I called my OBGYN today and scheduled the HSG. I go this upcoming Monday morning at 9am.... They are treating it like surgery eating or drinking after midnight, and I have to go to the hospital here to have it done. I am so nervous. I know it will lead to answers, but I cannot help but to be nervous! I have been trying to stay busy to keep my mind off of it!

I am going to Jacksonville, FL this weekend, so hopefully some time away will help. I am also trying to stay busy booking sessions for my photography. That is going pretty well too!

Anyways, that is all I have for now....keep your eyes open for a new post :)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

And it begins...

I decided to start this blog to vent and express my feelings throughout this journey that J(hubby)and I are about to encounter. I have blogged before, and I have turned away from them, but this time I really think I need to stick to it.

Some of you know that J and I have been TTC since October 2009 with no success. All of my ladies(you know who you are) expressed how much it would help to begin the road to testing. I finally caved and called my OB.

Yesterday I had my consultation with the doctor and it went really well. He was so proud of me charting(when my friends and family seemed to think I was a little OCD about it). He said my charts look amazing and my temps are clearly showing that I am ovulating on my own!(If you want to learn more about charting go Here)

He then decided the next step for us would be to have J go do an SA(sperm analysis). Tomorrow is that day. J is pretty nervous about it. I mean, no man wants to be told that his lil' guys are no good! So, wish him luck tomorrow!

Next month, when AF arrives, I have to call my doctor back and he is going to schedule an HSG(hysterosalpingogram) for me. Basically what an HSG does is determine if my fallopian tubes are clean and clear. They will shoot dye into my uterus and watch to see if it flows freely into my tubes. If everything is clear, then we will take more steps to find out what is going on with us.

I am so nervous about all of this. I never though I would ever have to go through this. But, that was the hand I was dealt and I have to face it in order to achieve my dream of becoming a mom.